Disobedience or Boundaries?

A common thread with abusers is they seek out people who they can manipulate. They look for empaths, for people who are more emotional, and people who have been “trained” to obey without question. Notice I said, “without question.” That’s because In some cases, okay a lot of cases, it’s good to be obedient. From a young age, most of us were taught to respect our elders, police, or others in a place of authority. So, naturally, we’ve become rule followers. Because of that, we typically make really good employees, and good bosses. We don’t get in trouble with the law, and we don’t engage in very many risky behaviors because we fear getting in trouble. Yes, that is the ideal person, right? We would love for no one to want to get in trouble, and we would love if no one was addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or ended up in prison. So yea, it’s good to be obedient in certain cases. But, even though we play by the rules, we do not have to stand for someone using this quality as an excuse for abuse. 

Especially in narcissist relationships, whether it be a caregiver, sibling or partner, they’ll recognize our obedience and manipulate us through emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. For many people, they even experience physical abuse in their relationships. Why subject yourself to so much unnecessary pain? Here are a few RED FLAGS. If you notice these things in your relationships, it’s time to set some boundaries or just plain get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. 

  1. If you go on your first date and they are rude to a waiter, especially if there is seemingly no reason for them to be.
  2. If they make comments about your hair color or makeup, or even worse, your weight. Run for the hills! 
  3. If you talk about something you’re interested in and they keep cutting you off to talk about themselves. 
  4. If they continually make comments that show any sort of entitlement. This is a big one!!
  5. Constantly bragging about themselves (narcissists actually have very low self-esteem so they talk about themselves A LOT. Grandiosity, and exaggeration are dead give-aways)
  6. If you say something about yourself that someone without NPD would say, “Wow! Tell me more about that, I’d like to hear what happened next”, a narcissist would say, “yea but MY, ME, I, someone did that to ME.” There is a LACK OF EMPATHY for anyone, even you.  

There are quite a few red flags, but these are some of the main ones I’ve recognized so far (my husband is far from a narcissist, but I’ve sure as shit dated quite a few in my past). 

So what happens if you recognize these things and want to start setting boundaries or get out of the relationship? 

When you’re finally ready to stand up for yourself, you should be prepared for the aftermath. They’ll continue to verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse you through whatever means necessary. They’ll reach out to your family and try to guilt them into talking to you for them. They’ll reach out to your friends to say, “I just want to talk to her/him and make things right. I need to apologize.” Even when they have ABSOLUTELY NO intentions of doing so, they just want to get you back into their life so they can continue to use you for their benefit. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. Do you hear me? Do NOT. They’re only saying these things because these people cannot STAND being told no. They want people who will bend to their every will. They want people who will change how they look and who they are to make them happy with no regard for what you want. They want people they can completely control. Well, NOT ME and NOT YOU

Get the hell away. If they cannot respect your boundaries, and you’ve told them time and time again to not say the things they do, or act the way they do toward you. The only thing you can do is leave. Just walk away and block them. Block them on social media, block their phone number, send the emails straight to the trash folder and never look. Let them try to talk to other people. You don’t need to say anything. Just sit back and let it all unfold. Not only will you learn their true nature, but you’ll also learn who your true friends are. 

Be strong. You CAN do this.